My name is Stevie...
Subject- Not a Myspace alternative
Wednesday July 6th 2005 -19:03 Today me and Josh got up at around 10 o clock. We had to move his room around because his mum had bought him a
new desk.The bed is now where the desk used to be and vice versa. I don't know if I like it because it's less cosy but the bed seems to be a lot more
comfortable to sleep in - which I tested for the rest of the day with a multitude of naps. Josh napped too.When we woke up (around 20 minutes ago) we
began to work on this site which is acting as compensation for me as I was forced to delete my MySpace. It's sad because I had to get rid of my old
blogs-"the classics"-however I feel that I have done the right thing and I will not continue using the internet in such a way. No Myspace. No Hi5. No face
party. I hate them all. I always have, but I thought that by publicly agreeing with such sites it would enable me to use the "through-the-back-door"
technique of getting people to understand that what they were doing was in fact lame and in fact stupid. I was wrong to ever put such faith in people and
furthermore I was stupid to ever think that such a technique would work. I feel like I may have fallen into that ugly world myself; feeling accepted and
loved and liked. But in the end it is, and always will be, a load of horse shit. People do not go on these sites to network. They go on these sites to
prostitute their minds and bodies in order to gain their idea of respect and their idea of friends.
If you ask someone why they have a Myspace the reasons
will vary however, I guess, there are some people who don't really know why they have one or what they are doing. People who just thought it would be nice to
have one because so-and-so has one and they talk on msn every now and then. These people aren't so stupid but they are equally naive. However I don't want to
create an alternative to Myspace through this site. This site has nothing to do with Myspace. It is all to do with me and the way I think. So, just to
clarify this is not meant as an alternative to my Myspace account, it is something entirely - that was me playing a game, this is me, say , sitting on a
bench on my own just quietly reflecting
Anyhow tomorrow I am going swimming with my younger sister, Tami (you may need to know her name for future
reference...) and hopefully her best friend Kirria (again - future ref.), however since she got a boyfriend she's gone a bit do-lally and spends less time
socialising outside of him and swimming, I presume.
I have a real head ache at the moment and when I say "at the moment" I am referring to "at this time"
as in over the last period of days rather than just at this (I)very(/I) moment (you see?!) I feel a bit alone I guess. I don't have anyone to talk to really.
I can talk to certain "friends", to be fair, but I do not gain a level of understanding I can trust or appreciate - there is just such a lack of
something. I think I need a doctor of some sort to be honest. Someone that can analyse the feelings I am experiencing sans O.C influnenced
pop-psych.
Cue phoney american accent
girl: I just feel so alone in this world, you know girl, like I have no one to talk to...
girl2: That probably means your parents didn't spend enough time with you when you were little.
girl: You know I think you're right.
girl2: By the way I slept with your boyfriend yesterday...I'm so sorry he just looked too much like Seth Cohan..
girl: Well, you know what, it's okay; best friends means friends forever and this probably means you and him were meant to be anyway.
girl2:I love you.
girl: I love you too.
Cue lesbian sex scene
Sure I exagerrate, but this is some what like, the advice that a lot of us girls hear from our friends and furthermore "teen-girl" magazines - But don't even
get me started on them. Sadly we never quite become aware of this fact. We seem to take such advice seriously - it's the kind of shit we dish back to our
friends isn't it? I try to give advice where it is needed but I won't pretend to be a qualified psychologoist or a columinist from Glamour magazine- no I
reserve that role for the many failed writers who sadly have to poison our minds with their foul version of journalism. God bless
Cosmo
Subject- Do I look fat with this mind?
Thursday July 7th 2005 -11:26 Today I got up early. I've been doing that a lot recently. It's Day 4 of the diet and so far, to my complete,
surprise, I am yet to give into the likes of crisps or chocolate. Funnily enough this is most probably the longest time I have gone without such snacks in my
whole life - I guess maybe I should have started this sentence with "Sadly enough". I've lost 2 kilograms but I still have a lot more to lose. I'm just so
sick of being the "Fat" one. I'm so sick of being insecure about my weight. I do not want to be a size 8, no, it's not about fitting in with the rest of the
females in my age group. It's about feeling comfortable with myself and I don't feel like that right now. No one my age wants to be a size 12 anymore and yet
at one point in time it was the ideal size to be. I still want to be a size 12 so it's not about my dress size either. Gosh! I just feel so depressingly
unattractive now days. I never used to let such things bother me. I never used to dwell on such insignificances. But I guess I've become slowly infatucated
with the human form to the extent that I compare myself to everyone, weighing up the visual pros and cons of everyone I happen to see. It's self-destructive
and I wish that I didn't feel forced to do it but it has got to the point where I feel I can't help it. It's wrong and I hate myself for it. I guess, to stir
some optimisim, I could go along with the theory that a problem has to be indentified before you can do something about it. The problem is identified. Now
comes the action...
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